circle

a lot of thoughts have occupied me
these past days

and every time i come back
longing for heaven
free
of
timed glory
mind boggling decisions
drawn out waits
ends to every moment
incompleteness

so i just stand
and turn my hands up
to be filled with YOUR words
or silence
- either way:


i pray for wisdom
and courage.

Was mache ich mit Weihnachten,
wenn meine Familie sich vielleicht doch nicht
so zusammensetzt
wie ich mir es gewuenscht habe?

Und doch war so viel Freude drin...
So viel.
Genug fuer heute,
wenn die Wolke der Enttaeuschung
ohne Vorwarnung Regen schuettet?

"I am the Alpha and Omega,
the beginning and the end."
Trost.

Ich warte auf den Tag,
an dem die Enttaeuschung nicht mehr regiert,
wenn der Kampf zu lieben trotz Vergessen
vorbei ist!

Es dauert noch.

Ich werde vergessen und wieder vergessen
und vergessen
und vergeben
-steh wieder auf - bald,
und waehrend es regnet
schliesse ich dich schon zoegernd in die Arme.

Meine Liebe ist mehr als dein Vergessen.
Gottes Atem ist unendlich.

the waiting is grinding down on the hope of my heart
for a family that transcends the blood relation.

i'm discouraged and feel heavy.

hoping the best sometimes seems like
i'm imagining things that are not true,
even though in the best moments i know for a fact
that there is love.

i just hate to see it burried.
i miss you.

and i need to remember that around this time
the past haunts you.
and you might not be ready to give up
what it all means
to be free of it
to give up how it puts you in a spot
where futility might be all you can see.

...

and back to work on a monday morning
i'm stunned by reality of life:
how fragile life just became for
the man who knows he has pancreatic cancer since friday
the family who just lost their 17yearold son within a day
and the college roomate who lost his friend that jumped off a bridge

always then i want to call
right now
the sudden urgency driving me
with the thought that i don't want to loose
any minute to thoughts of hopelessness
but to embrace every living moment on this earth
that i can breathe
and to not doubt what love there is
and to not doubt what God will do.

Lord have mercy.

my humanity is bound up in yours
for we can only be human together.

-desmond tutu

the snow outside makes everything go a little more quiet.
slows me down.
cutting out christmas pictures and waiting for the other cards to come in the mail
i sit and watch and think about the next 8 days.

...part of my home
is not here this christmas.

i put up the christmas tree sooner...
maybe no real candles...
friends far away...
my cookies taste good but not like ma's...
no christmas market...
still trying to get german christmas music...
the air is different.

it's not sad right now
just less complete
so that i feel the need to huddle closer
to feel the warmth
of friends that are family to me.

to rethink what christmas means
-helps so much to have less money!

reading...

...*terrify NO MORE* by Gary Haugen (IJM)

impressive as i plow my way through so much courage, willpower, faith, hope, determination, love, true heroism...
sounds like it's coming from another world,
but unfortunately isn't.

twenty seven million slaves are held on this globe of ours:
my mind can't comprehend the overwhelming number.
but the individual "is the point".


i drive by the brightly lit star over castle rock on my way back from denver.
a towering star above the darkness.
GOD stands above all - and in all darkness he brings light.

and

he

could

use

you.


he might pick you because you are available:

to paint your story...
all for his glory.

my christmas is

* being able to read and feel two chapters in donald millers book about "the reason god hasn't fixed you yet" and "the beauty of a tragedy"

* arthur at work talking about how he is scared to ask his dying grandfather if he knows Jesus - and we talk about death while living - and i want to create big memories and don't know where to start

* reading: http://5millionkids.blogspot.com/2010/11/weazys-mite.html

* coming home and aaron cooked dinner

* luca wanting to do homework and draw lots of big snow flakes around her triangular mouse-house - counting the days until christmas

* call from my mom even though i struggle to be present torn between work, tv and solitude
and listening

* a hug goodbye with a "plan on it"

* knowing the hurts, joys and questions of some of the people close to me

* thinking of encouragment and humility

* letting it sink in: one day when i settle down at home to sit down with god and remember my story with him (as donald miller puts it)...then "my soul won't be thirsty anymore"

* and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xb7wfLAgTqc

* and luca says: jesus is coming

thank you. god.

it's late - quiet.
i like the quiet - although not the late.
and instead of saying "one of these days i'll find time to sleep enough",
i'd like to plan to sleep plenty soon! :)
the day was full of little moments that make me smile.
i like the people i work with even though they're just as annoying
as i am sometimes.
i like that there's a real rawness and am grateful for talks
about
failures
human selfishness
and how to not drive around the block twice to see that woman walking down the road again -since you're married.
and if guy meets one of those beautiful women: to thank god for the beauty he created.

i haven't made a trip to the grocery store after dark in a while -
since the 17-yr-old knows what to shop for now and there is time during the day.
so i went today and had to think of "convenience stores" by buddy wakefield.
forget the three or four cusswords, just listen to the deep longing to know who you meet and to be present:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZkofA_TWVw

god. i imagine our god to think about us so much more in loving detail and inexplicable depth - fully.
and i'm glad that us humans: we feel.

i laughed a lot at the grocery store while i was on the phone talking to one of my favorite people in the world.
so the flour bag exploding down my side really didn't bother me.

interruptions are god's moments

he came in two days ago with a heavy looking backpack - into the warm out of the cold. stuck his face through the door, walked in grinning, saying:

"what? i don't get a hug after all that time? gimme a hug!"

and just came right up like a prodigal son without any regrets...i got up, ripping my brain out of the pile of papers i was trying to conquer, another interruption - and embraced him, he smelled of fresh air. but in my head echoed the cussword he had uttered when talking to my colleague on the phone earlier. and my heart was not there to give him the hug.
i was measuring the seen and spoken and holding it against him inside.
i was not focusing on the unseen.

...until today - another two days later.

today i know he deserved my heart to be there, the welcome despite his spoken profanity. and i feel ashamed of the failure to live out what god's grace really means:
welcome.

no matter the spoken fu's (and others), the laziness to find a job (or is it not?), the frequent desperate phone calls that seem to be directionless and annoying, the repetitiveness of personal issues, all the pretence...at first.

i am saddened about having to be reminded by god about this kids' merciless past, so my willingness to act out in grace kicks in -

and at the same time am thankful for his vast heart - and how we can start new each day, hour, minute.
and how it happens that my heart joins what i believe and my eyes catch a glimpse of what god sees.

i'm copying this off the dhp quarterly rap while watching "300" on tv in spanish - a strange combo...BUT this thing needs to be posted, because it's worth being lived after (of course i think the living isn't doable without the man jesus).

so this hung on mother theresa's childhood home wall:

people are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. love them anyway.
if you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. do good anyway.
if you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. succeed anyway.be honest and frank anyway.
what you spend your years building may be destroyed overnight. build anyway.
people really need help but may attack you if you help them. help people anyway.
give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. give the world the best you're got anyway.
the good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. do good anyway.
the people you love may hurt you.
love them anyway.
honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.

predator 911

i feel a little violated, believe it or not, maybe it's my cultural background?
probably a big part of it...:

but when i came home yesterday the police department had left an automated message that a sexual predator had moved into the neighborhood and that you could look up online at this and this address who he is, where he lives, and what he's done.

and i feel violated. because i don't want to know. and now i have to. everyone knows you can look up "so's" online. if i would've wanted to i would've, thank you.

i take care of my kids whether there's an "so" living somewhere around me or not. there are plenty of strange people all around that i could fear if i so choose to, many of them i'm sure as violent - or not (because i don't know what he did).

me being a mother and common sense reminds me that i take care of my kids and others and try to be aware of what is going on wherever i am!

so you might say that the message is for those who don't have common sense???
yeah..., let's operate with fear, that helps to make people not communicate, not want to live together, and be distant...?!?
where is the trust in the fact that most people know the base minimum of setting boundaries???

but still, i understand that i could just be culturally off.

this one thought comes to mind though...: if i believe in who jesus was and listen to his story with the adulteress and the whores and the murderers - all those unfit people. does that change anything about the fear, the problem?

...the adulteress: how do we stone people today?

i don't know that we're as barbaric: we use knowledge and technology. we declare people as uncurable.

is there a jesus answer to this?
aren't we supposed to pray for our enemies and trust that god takes care of things also?
do i need to pray for the "so" whose life is a wreck, who is most likely a captive of what he sold himself to, whatever it is...?
i admit, the interceding for him: a stretch.

or should i find out as much as i can, so i can fear walking down union and kiowa - and any other street for that matter, because he's not "the only one"?

i'm going to pray for him and try to pray for him not only just now that the knowledge of knowing he's around makes me uncomfortable.


by god's grace we are saved.
and only by that.
and every one of us.

yeah...

...ever have a day where it feels good to do mindless things like cutting vegetables, just driving listening to music and thinking of the people in your life (not exactly mindless) - or not thinking because it might be the opposite of a good memory...

a day when you could go either way - get pissed off or feel quietly sad and holy.
does that make sense?

i feel lonely but then i'm not sure i would want more than one person, of four, no: five specific ones that i cherish most at the moment, sitting in the car next to me. it would be too much work not to be able to just be. and if i couldn't i would rather just be lonely.

then...maybe think about fall, and human's fall from god - and
how we need so much forgiveness (every day if we're honest with ourselves), how unfair grace is, how unfair forgiveness should be and how weak i feel today.

don't approach me unfriendly or i'll get weird...
don't ask me how i am and mean it because you might get an answer you didn't want - or something you didn't want to think about today.

i like the sun and how it shines today - it's beautiful.
i miss parts of my family.
i'm grateful for how god proves our hopelessness wrong at twocor.
and i'd just like to drive with music or sit with a book.

you could come with me, but you might not want to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqOqo50LSZ0

getting ready to switch worlds again.
it might be easier to leave this time:
the silence is so deafening
i feel less at home.

miller, donald

this guy writes some light books with surprising and awesome depth
if you want to acknowledge it...

here's something that has really grown on me in the last week:

*I've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgement. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants.

sweetest little faces.

next time you leave
please come back sooner

or don't leave

eternal now

i'm just quoting because i like what paul tillich says here:

*in each human life a struggle is going on about the past. blessings battle with curses. often we do not recognize what are the blessings and what are the curses.
today, in the light of our unconscious strivings, we are more inclined to see curses than blessings in our past. the remembrance of our parents, which in the old testament is so inseperably connected with their blessings, is now much more connected with the curse they have unconsciously and against their will brought upon us.
many of those who suffer under mental afflictions see their past, especially their childhood, only as the source of curses. we know how often this is true. but we should not forget that we would not be able to live and face the future if there were not blessings that support us and which come from the same sources as the curses. a pathetic struggle over their past is going on almost without interruption in many men and women of our time. no medical healing can solve this conflict, because no medical healing can change the past.
only a blessing that lies above the conflict of blessing and curse can heal. it is the blessing that changes what seems to be unchangeable -- the past. it cannot change the facts; what has happened has happened and remains so in all eternity!
but the meaning of the facts can be changed by the eternal, and the name of this change is the experience of "forgiveness".
if the meaning of the past is changed by forgiveness, its influence on the future is also changed.
the character of curse is taken away from it. it becomes a blessing by the transforming power of forgiveness.

true

even if i know the reasons why things are done the way they are done...
the acceptance of the facts and reasons and how i do that..
are the hard part - not the guessing or knowing.

the 1/4 is hard to have out there...

memorial

i've been thinking a lot.
these past weeks jim has been waiting with his family
for his mom to cross the jordan,
he joked around when she lived through her own planned memorial service.
but she did go home two nights later.
what a cool name: billie lou.
the memorial service was very beautiful and traditional.
and very untraditional preaching: embracing the sadness and the joy of this beloved person finally getting a turn with God.
as in: it now being her turn to really going home.
so deeply beautiful.
and i sit there and i feel the mystery and awe of this thing called death.
how it draws out pain and joy in the same moment: the loss and the hope finalized is very powerful.

i am so honored to work for a man who i have seen in pain, be so openly vulnerable and depend on the people around him. there might not be anything more beautiful about a man. i am grateful that he is our boss and friend.

sitting in the car driving back brad and me talk about the deep loneliness everyone feels so often, how we wish our funerals will be this real, full of sadness and joy and good memories - and this hope; and how this final human existence puts the petty things about our jobs into perspective.
AND: how much i want to treasure the people i love and leave the petty things to be petty and unimportant.

Fight the fights that are worth fighting.

averted

half of life feels to me like we remind ourselves
of our beliefs
our rights
our sorrows
how God really is
the deal behind the scenes
our hopes

and i find myself in a fight to hold on to
what i know
digging around for it in the crap piled on top
trying to look behind the glasses
that hide the window
thinking myself through the rubble
of judgement, giving up on what is right
and the fog created by the demon of non-compassion.

curtain closing on the the third!

isn't it strange how you don't want to be wrong about people against your intuition?

here we go: the third round of "from-one-day-to-another".
FOR REAL?

wow is right.
i am in need of an overly loud coldplay concert,
a punching ball
a magical wand
a little peek into God's plan ...?...
a baseball bat that shuts up the lizard voice
a method that keeps people responsible
and holds them to their word despite life changes

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

dreams and Radler

dreams do a number on me four times out of five...
i woke up waiting for a call that i wasn't waiting for...
someone was getting murdered, i was in a city of ruins and not getting the call i wanted.

i bet i borrowed the someone that got murdered from "5 minutes of heaven". is not a romance by the way, but a movie about hope - at least off and on. i like movies that process possible life scenarios realistically. this one does. made me think of the 2cor kids. and anyone that makes mistakes while they're alive. and anyone that can't handle making mistakes very well (like any of us) and where time doesn't heal neccessarily.

luca has been listening to the little mermaid for probably three straight days...living in reality? not so much, but she is playing the story out creatively in all sorts of ways: with playmobil. we took a break today - there's imagination and breaks to dreaming. today it's reality :) and playing in water and sunshine in the yard is a good reality.

i'm spending zoo nap time watching Les Miserables. one of my favorite movies. makes me think of our friend-in-heaven Karen, why i love the kind of people i want to go back to work with - and what i have a long ways to go to.
how evil is constantly willfully disarmed in this movie is amazing. and how the refusal to give in to evil weighs heavy, because evil is not abolished, but left to deal with itself until it collapses - until finally there is peace.

in the end kind of waiting for a phone call,
enjoying the peace of Jax
and counting the days until i can have a Radler with friends in Germany.
YES!!!!

my own skin

was more in my own skin today - felt like i anyway:

to have german acquaintance-visitors
that felt at home in our diggs
.
and i felt at home talking
however my mouth grew (as the germans say)

refreshing and funny
talking about the different cultures...
how this makes sense here,
how that makes sense there...
and how nice it would be to
mix the american niceness and politeness
with the german candidness and honesty

where i feel o.k. the way i parent
because i know i'm not weird, i just parent more german :)

nice.
bye.
and thank you for a piece of that part of home.

not nature or "old man"

i'm liking this passage today - we talked about it in twocor staff meeting - and it's hard.


HE has told you,
O man,
what is good;
and what does the LORD require of you
but
to do justice,
and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?

Micah 6:8


that means i'm not rationalizing my actions,
because usually i'm not acting justly...

do i love kindness
or do i get more attention out of underlining
un
kindness

do i look up at God
as i stumble and walk along
or do i look at the ground grumbling
about how he does me wrong


humbly, my friend
take off your shoes and go in to see HIM
lay it down

you can throw the dice
but
they will fall where he wants them to

surrender

cali

caleidoscope coffee shop.
yes!ssss!
colorful, new purpose, creativity, time, new job and cali (as in what the english say: cool, sweet, awesome).
and hopefully on union lane.
can't believe it would look so right to so many people
and the idea would be all there was.
so hoping for news on our grant to be able to plan more -
God willing, right? :)

end of this week

...weekends tend to have everything in them - this one really had it in it. i need a weekend from the weekend :) some seriously better communications, the same beautiful weather, some serious time to do whatever, another swimming lesson for luca and the same smiles from jax. and another preacher on fire! that was a neat sermon on sunday. i don't need better friends. they're all right.

food and air

one of my cool coworkers
- what a great and challenging thing to work with awesome but broken people :) -
thought i needed to slow down and get some time in for myself.
he's an ex-boxer so he suggested exercise.
i might have disappointed him when i stated indoor sport - naw...
plus with two kids?
so i thought about it
and told him that, really, i do get the time i need if

i dig my hands into my garden

i work the best i can (on most days) with numbers and people

i talk to my favorite momo in germany and feel like myself

and...when i get time with the seven or eight people i love most

while i talk to god frequently

i basically don't need much more
apart from that plus food and air.

among the best

yeah, unusual compliments make my days.

we will always raise questions from time to time.

but party?
(translate: be happy, hang around, live)
pah: we can anyway.

love this.

new land

look out.
it's new land.
you are relieved of the system.
that one goal of beating it is almost checked off.

now?

it's o.k. if you feel lost.
and confused as to where to look to now.
you have freedom to redefine what you want to follow now
and the defining doesn't happen overnight.
it takes time to rethink what you're looking forward to.
what you prefer to look forward to..

a weird unused new freedom...
and you can put that freedom on slowly
like a new coat
while you get used to the chains not rattling.
start dreaming more.
take another step now.
take charge of your life the way you can and want to live it right.
you are free to make up your mind again where to go.
amidst doing that
the people that have been with you
will be there.

step off the system island.
and trust the guy upstairs.
everybody cheer!

any thoughts on...

how can i be sure that i will get to heaven
after i once accepted jesus into my life

can i be sure?

i mean: i'm forever a child of god's,
but what if i don't live it the way i should or can

it's not by works...
so am i o.k....
so is heaven "garanteed"?

does god promise me that - forever: does he have a space saved?

what if i fall?

what if i turn away?

is it: no matter what i do he is faithful?
because that is one of his amazing characteristics


if i repent, he forgives...

i'm so excited that i bought a tape player!!! sure not excited about the way i bought it, and that i paid $10 for one working speaker instead of two...so much for my business sense. Ha ha. terrible. an exercise in laughing about myself...doesn't hurt.
but here we go, this is one of my favorite old school 80's songs - from the christian side (me and my songs hehe):
but hey, it's glorious


Hallowed be Thy name oh King of Kings
Father of our needs in everything
We thank you for what you have done
Your Kingdom come, Thy will be done

Lord give us bread we need each day
And forgive our debts that we must pay
And deliver us from the evil one
Your Kingdom come, Thy will be done

Cleanse our hearts, let our spirit be made new
Let us hear Your Words of Life
And draw our strength from You
Lead us on to living waters that You bring
Let us want Your will in everything
lead us to the Throne of Grace
lead us to your Holy Place, Thy will be done

Lead us not into temptations snare
Help us find our way with fervent prayer
Let us see the Cross where Glory won
In heaven and earth, Thy will be done

Cleanse our hearts
Let our spirit be made new
Let us hear Your Words of Life
And draw our strength from You
Lead us onto living waters that You bring
Let us want Your will in everything
Lead us to the Throne of Grace
Lead us to Your Holy Place
Thy will be done.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFJWi0hXu6w

little birds

good times

talking about dark and light
what would you do
and thoughts of what would i
drinking the chai
and pausing to look at the baby's smile
laughing very loud at your silliness
happy to be
and only noticing before we leave
that the clock on the wall
stood still ten hours ago.

thank you for adding joy
and thoughts
and tears
and everyday moments
to my life
that i would otherwise not have

until next time.

for k.

when you are gone

i walk into the garden

and sit with my shadow

and i lament

how much i'm missing you

spring is here.

it's felt like i needed the hope.
deep down i've been discussing
with myself
what it looks like when fear doesn't win
when god wins over this world.
there are many examples in history
but what about my history.
what about my relationships
my work
every day.
the movie "brothers"
really kicked me in the butt,
and somehow not in a good way so far
because the tenacious heavyness of life
and how we are able to choose evil
(or good, but i'm thinking more of the downside)
goes round and round in my head.
i wonder what god is doing there in my head...

i hear what He's reminding me of between my thoughts:

don't be afraid, I have overcome the world.

phew.
i desire to live out of that
so i can shoulder the questions
and decide at the crossroads
with more confidence
and look at the light.

that's the bit of paradise we see in our young children:
they're not as scared
they don't have to make up their mind as much yet
which way to go:
they run, jump, laugh and believe the best
(can't help but think: unless they've seen some of the worst,
but god can do miracles there).
it's uplifting to feel their peace.

and His second thought to me is:
that i'm not alone-and He knows what he's doing.

o.k.
run the race then.

carried

if you have 5 minutes and 41 seconds listen to this.
i'm not in a sad mood or depressed or anything, just thinking and feeling:
this is what i would want to play on my funeral if it was soon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy9CGymYvuA

and y'all have a Gin n Tonic.

and take care of my boys and girl.

clean glide

I've been carrying this one around in my mind to land it here for
a week now - and it needs to give up it's space in my brain as there are more important things to clog my brain windings with:
scene was the grocery store and the need was a antiperspirant. WELL, there are a lot, but we're going for the "speedstick" kind - of which there are a lot also. And by the end of this shopping trip I was convinced they just label the sticks different to sell more, what's in them must be the same.

I eyed the two that were on sale for $2.49 (good price for not smelling like sweat for one month, right?). And honestly the one that I didn't take, ah, I think it was for very sensitive armpits (of course it doesn't say that, but "skin" or so)...not so interesting and not the case,
BUT the label on the one I got just raises the suspicion of how desperate the company must be to come up with this scenario of why one would buy this specific antiperspirant: FOR A CLEAN GLIDE THROUGH HAIR.

Uh...???

WHO wants to picture that?

And anyone: (in all honesty, leave me a comment) do you grow hair like that?

new katy

we've been waiting for this one:

welcome to the world precious little bean.
there is so much love here, for wonderful you...
may you play endlessly. twirl wildly.
laugh loudly, and dare to live your deepest,
most dazzling life. always.

*robynp

change and war...and peace.

change...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7uoC-YTQy8

war...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CD1EaUFIeo&NR=1
.
.
.
peace...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTDRjqVIyVY
asked for over and over and over again...and again.

kiss me i'm german. no don't.

i just got that from a cup someone gave me, where another someone thought it might be funny to encourage to kiss the drinker - but only if german! don't. well, there's always the brotherly kiss, the one that reminds me of our friend karen braunstien who died in a car accident several years ago (we always think we live almost forever), the one you plant in the middle of someone's forehead. feels to me like you're blessing them. then there's a hug "hug me i'm german", but that wouldn't have been as cool, I guess. and not as daring for sure. although we don't hug people enough, if you ask me. and kissing, oh my gosh: you're not my spouse!

"...behaviors, as well as hugging (...) release the hormone Oxytocin, which many believe facilitates emotional connections, bonding behaviors, and trust between people.
According to a study published in Psychiatry by the University of California in San Francisco, oxytocin is associated with the ability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships and may provide the first biological basis for strong human attachments. If oxytocin is released by participating in affectionate, contact behaviors, logic suggests that relationships which don’t produce enough oxytocin also experience reduced emotional connectedness and trust...."

i'm not as brave as the woman who stands in acacia park with the sign: free hugs. sorry, quite a step further than i dare to go - i do like watching who comes by and dares to get one though. it's interesting and beautiful and weird...makes me curious as to the why.
and then there's the age - kids are sure easy to embrace. but the older we get, the more shy we become about putting our arms around someone and not just waving the hand. contrary to how it seems to happen i'm thinking especially as we get older being hugged makes sense. it's not like life gets more kind as you see more of this world, at least not usually. and as we start smelling less delicious and of age wouldn't it be nice to feel more warm and acknowledged?
no matter what: hugs (of course the real ones, not the "i'll touch you briefly so you understand i need to get out the door") bridge the gap when words for sure don't cut it.
and they do make you feel like you're worth being close to.