thank you. god.

it's late - quiet.
i like the quiet - although not the late.
and instead of saying "one of these days i'll find time to sleep enough",
i'd like to plan to sleep plenty soon! :)
the day was full of little moments that make me smile.
i like the people i work with even though they're just as annoying
as i am sometimes.
i like that there's a real rawness and am grateful for talks
about
failures
human selfishness
and how to not drive around the block twice to see that woman walking down the road again -since you're married.
and if guy meets one of those beautiful women: to thank god for the beauty he created.

i haven't made a trip to the grocery store after dark in a while -
since the 17-yr-old knows what to shop for now and there is time during the day.
so i went today and had to think of "convenience stores" by buddy wakefield.
forget the three or four cusswords, just listen to the deep longing to know who you meet and to be present:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZkofA_TWVw

god. i imagine our god to think about us so much more in loving detail and inexplicable depth - fully.
and i'm glad that us humans: we feel.

i laughed a lot at the grocery store while i was on the phone talking to one of my favorite people in the world.
so the flour bag exploding down my side really didn't bother me.

interruptions are god's moments

he came in two days ago with a heavy looking backpack - into the warm out of the cold. stuck his face through the door, walked in grinning, saying:

"what? i don't get a hug after all that time? gimme a hug!"

and just came right up like a prodigal son without any regrets...i got up, ripping my brain out of the pile of papers i was trying to conquer, another interruption - and embraced him, he smelled of fresh air. but in my head echoed the cussword he had uttered when talking to my colleague on the phone earlier. and my heart was not there to give him the hug.
i was measuring the seen and spoken and holding it against him inside.
i was not focusing on the unseen.

...until today - another two days later.

today i know he deserved my heart to be there, the welcome despite his spoken profanity. and i feel ashamed of the failure to live out what god's grace really means:
welcome.

no matter the spoken fu's (and others), the laziness to find a job (or is it not?), the frequent desperate phone calls that seem to be directionless and annoying, the repetitiveness of personal issues, all the pretence...at first.

i am saddened about having to be reminded by god about this kids' merciless past, so my willingness to act out in grace kicks in -

and at the same time am thankful for his vast heart - and how we can start new each day, hour, minute.
and how it happens that my heart joins what i believe and my eyes catch a glimpse of what god sees.

i'm copying this off the dhp quarterly rap while watching "300" on tv in spanish - a strange combo...BUT this thing needs to be posted, because it's worth being lived after (of course i think the living isn't doable without the man jesus).

so this hung on mother theresa's childhood home wall:

people are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. love them anyway.
if you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. do good anyway.
if you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. succeed anyway.be honest and frank anyway.
what you spend your years building may be destroyed overnight. build anyway.
people really need help but may attack you if you help them. help people anyway.
give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. give the world the best you're got anyway.
the good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. do good anyway.
the people you love may hurt you.
love them anyway.
honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.

predator 911

i feel a little violated, believe it or not, maybe it's my cultural background?
probably a big part of it...:

but when i came home yesterday the police department had left an automated message that a sexual predator had moved into the neighborhood and that you could look up online at this and this address who he is, where he lives, and what he's done.

and i feel violated. because i don't want to know. and now i have to. everyone knows you can look up "so's" online. if i would've wanted to i would've, thank you.

i take care of my kids whether there's an "so" living somewhere around me or not. there are plenty of strange people all around that i could fear if i so choose to, many of them i'm sure as violent - or not (because i don't know what he did).

me being a mother and common sense reminds me that i take care of my kids and others and try to be aware of what is going on wherever i am!

so you might say that the message is for those who don't have common sense???
yeah..., let's operate with fear, that helps to make people not communicate, not want to live together, and be distant...?!?
where is the trust in the fact that most people know the base minimum of setting boundaries???

but still, i understand that i could just be culturally off.

this one thought comes to mind though...: if i believe in who jesus was and listen to his story with the adulteress and the whores and the murderers - all those unfit people. does that change anything about the fear, the problem?

...the adulteress: how do we stone people today?

i don't know that we're as barbaric: we use knowledge and technology. we declare people as uncurable.

is there a jesus answer to this?
aren't we supposed to pray for our enemies and trust that god takes care of things also?
do i need to pray for the "so" whose life is a wreck, who is most likely a captive of what he sold himself to, whatever it is...?
i admit, the interceding for him: a stretch.

or should i find out as much as i can, so i can fear walking down union and kiowa - and any other street for that matter, because he's not "the only one"?

i'm going to pray for him and try to pray for him not only just now that the knowledge of knowing he's around makes me uncomfortable.


by god's grace we are saved.
and only by that.
and every one of us.

yeah...

...ever have a day where it feels good to do mindless things like cutting vegetables, just driving listening to music and thinking of the people in your life (not exactly mindless) - or not thinking because it might be the opposite of a good memory...

a day when you could go either way - get pissed off or feel quietly sad and holy.
does that make sense?

i feel lonely but then i'm not sure i would want more than one person, of four, no: five specific ones that i cherish most at the moment, sitting in the car next to me. it would be too much work not to be able to just be. and if i couldn't i would rather just be lonely.

then...maybe think about fall, and human's fall from god - and
how we need so much forgiveness (every day if we're honest with ourselves), how unfair grace is, how unfair forgiveness should be and how weak i feel today.

don't approach me unfriendly or i'll get weird...
don't ask me how i am and mean it because you might get an answer you didn't want - or something you didn't want to think about today.

i like the sun and how it shines today - it's beautiful.
i miss parts of my family.
i'm grateful for how god proves our hopelessness wrong at twocor.
and i'd just like to drive with music or sit with a book.

you could come with me, but you might not want to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqOqo50LSZ0