circle

a lot of thoughts have occupied me
these past days

and every time i come back
longing for heaven
free
of
timed glory
mind boggling decisions
drawn out waits
ends to every moment
incompleteness

so i just stand
and turn my hands up
to be filled with YOUR words
or silence
- either way:


i pray for wisdom
and courage.

Was mache ich mit Weihnachten,
wenn meine Familie sich vielleicht doch nicht
so zusammensetzt
wie ich mir es gewuenscht habe?

Und doch war so viel Freude drin...
So viel.
Genug fuer heute,
wenn die Wolke der Enttaeuschung
ohne Vorwarnung Regen schuettet?

"I am the Alpha and Omega,
the beginning and the end."
Trost.

Ich warte auf den Tag,
an dem die Enttaeuschung nicht mehr regiert,
wenn der Kampf zu lieben trotz Vergessen
vorbei ist!

Es dauert noch.

Ich werde vergessen und wieder vergessen
und vergessen
und vergeben
-steh wieder auf - bald,
und waehrend es regnet
schliesse ich dich schon zoegernd in die Arme.

Meine Liebe ist mehr als dein Vergessen.
Gottes Atem ist unendlich.

the waiting is grinding down on the hope of my heart
for a family that transcends the blood relation.

i'm discouraged and feel heavy.

hoping the best sometimes seems like
i'm imagining things that are not true,
even though in the best moments i know for a fact
that there is love.

i just hate to see it burried.
i miss you.

and i need to remember that around this time
the past haunts you.
and you might not be ready to give up
what it all means
to be free of it
to give up how it puts you in a spot
where futility might be all you can see.

...

and back to work on a monday morning
i'm stunned by reality of life:
how fragile life just became for
the man who knows he has pancreatic cancer since friday
the family who just lost their 17yearold son within a day
and the college roomate who lost his friend that jumped off a bridge

always then i want to call
right now
the sudden urgency driving me
with the thought that i don't want to loose
any minute to thoughts of hopelessness
but to embrace every living moment on this earth
that i can breathe
and to not doubt what love there is
and to not doubt what God will do.

Lord have mercy.

my humanity is bound up in yours
for we can only be human together.

-desmond tutu

the snow outside makes everything go a little more quiet.
slows me down.
cutting out christmas pictures and waiting for the other cards to come in the mail
i sit and watch and think about the next 8 days.

...part of my home
is not here this christmas.

i put up the christmas tree sooner...
maybe no real candles...
friends far away...
my cookies taste good but not like ma's...
no christmas market...
still trying to get german christmas music...
the air is different.

it's not sad right now
just less complete
so that i feel the need to huddle closer
to feel the warmth
of friends that are family to me.

to rethink what christmas means
-helps so much to have less money!

reading...

...*terrify NO MORE* by Gary Haugen (IJM)

impressive as i plow my way through so much courage, willpower, faith, hope, determination, love, true heroism...
sounds like it's coming from another world,
but unfortunately isn't.

twenty seven million slaves are held on this globe of ours:
my mind can't comprehend the overwhelming number.
but the individual "is the point".


i drive by the brightly lit star over castle rock on my way back from denver.
a towering star above the darkness.
GOD stands above all - and in all darkness he brings light.

and

he

could

use

you.


he might pick you because you are available:

to paint your story...
all for his glory.

my christmas is

* being able to read and feel two chapters in donald millers book about "the reason god hasn't fixed you yet" and "the beauty of a tragedy"

* arthur at work talking about how he is scared to ask his dying grandfather if he knows Jesus - and we talk about death while living - and i want to create big memories and don't know where to start

* reading: http://5millionkids.blogspot.com/2010/11/weazys-mite.html

* coming home and aaron cooked dinner

* luca wanting to do homework and draw lots of big snow flakes around her triangular mouse-house - counting the days until christmas

* call from my mom even though i struggle to be present torn between work, tv and solitude
and listening

* a hug goodbye with a "plan on it"

* knowing the hurts, joys and questions of some of the people close to me

* thinking of encouragment and humility

* letting it sink in: one day when i settle down at home to sit down with god and remember my story with him (as donald miller puts it)...then "my soul won't be thirsty anymore"

* and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xb7wfLAgTqc

* and luca says: jesus is coming