sometimes i feel like a tired stranger in a strange land.



anyone else?


just a little lost with


who i am


outside versus inside

as a mother

as a wife

as who i want to be versus who i act like i am


sometimes.

remember

it's good to know that jesus doesn't want us to beat ourselves up, that it's not about condemnation: it's about conviction, my friend. An empowering, more clear headed realization of where I am at - and one that gives me deep joy and room to grow with help. i remember not to focus on my sin, but to face it, have it shone on by Jesus and then accept humbly the forgiveness through my repentance. and hold on to the fact that i am forgiven no matter what. i remember to not build barriers to not feel the pain, but to believe and embrace with all arms a life fuller than what i imagine and settle for. and to fight for that in small things. cause He has given it all, i can at least just open my hands and let go of what i want to protect or hide inside them. and now i never have to be owned by shame, guilt or pain. that's a load off. worshipping with a big family is so so glorious. ...you see...we're all broken, not just you. it's good to be where the ground is level for all.

"come to me all you who are thirsty - and I will give you rest." the bible

guests gone, putting my soul and feet up with a friend is truly rest.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwhPdC1HZos

...mercy...

"For I was hungry, while you had all you needed. I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water. I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported. I needed clothes, but you needed more clothes. I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved...whatever you have done to the least of these, you've done it to Me." Matthew 25 according to Richard Stearns, President of World Vision

Yes. Yes. Yes!
Oh, Lord, I am so often so wrapped up in myself.
Help me.
Have mercy.

Thank you for the peace that pure innocent life brings.

VENGEANCE

What is the difference between justice and vengeance?

J: “the administering of deserved punishment or reward; the administration of what is just according to law,”

V: “the infliction of injury, harm, or humiliation in return for an injury or offense.”

What power do we get by taking vengeance?

What does that power we get back do to us?

What ever makes us want to change or be better?

Is it judgement or extended grace?

God never said it would be easy - this life - and doing things that are against how we choose to want to redeem ourselves,

but he said he would be with us forever.

And carry us.

It depends if you want to lay down the pride of thinking you can do it all

and be carried through the dark times.

What follows justice is very likely reconciliation, what follows venegance is most likely more hate, more humiliation, more pain. Reminds me of what happened in South Africa after Apartheid:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Truth_and_Reconciliation_Commission_(South_Africa)

...and what is happening in Rwanda.

9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,

“I will take revenge;

I will pay them back,”

says the Lord.

20 Instead,

“If your enemies are hungry, feed them.

If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap

burning coals of shame on their heads.”

21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

Romans 12

It'll take faith and courage.

circle

a lot of thoughts have occupied me
these past days

and every time i come back
longing for heaven
free
of
timed glory
mind boggling decisions
drawn out waits
ends to every moment
incompleteness

so i just stand
and turn my hands up
to be filled with YOUR words
or silence
- either way:


i pray for wisdom
and courage.

Was mache ich mit Weihnachten,
wenn meine Familie sich vielleicht doch nicht
so zusammensetzt
wie ich mir es gewuenscht habe?

Und doch war so viel Freude drin...
So viel.
Genug fuer heute,
wenn die Wolke der Enttaeuschung
ohne Vorwarnung Regen schuettet?

"I am the Alpha and Omega,
the beginning and the end."
Trost.

Ich warte auf den Tag,
an dem die Enttaeuschung nicht mehr regiert,
wenn der Kampf zu lieben trotz Vergessen
vorbei ist!

Es dauert noch.

Ich werde vergessen und wieder vergessen
und vergessen
und vergeben
-steh wieder auf - bald,
und waehrend es regnet
schliesse ich dich schon zoegernd in die Arme.

Meine Liebe ist mehr als dein Vergessen.
Gottes Atem ist unendlich.

the waiting is grinding down on the hope of my heart
for a family that transcends the blood relation.

i'm discouraged and feel heavy.

hoping the best sometimes seems like
i'm imagining things that are not true,
even though in the best moments i know for a fact
that there is love.

i just hate to see it burried.
i miss you.

and i need to remember that around this time
the past haunts you.
and you might not be ready to give up
what it all means
to be free of it
to give up how it puts you in a spot
where futility might be all you can see.

...

and back to work on a monday morning
i'm stunned by reality of life:
how fragile life just became for
the man who knows he has pancreatic cancer since friday
the family who just lost their 17yearold son within a day
and the college roomate who lost his friend that jumped off a bridge

always then i want to call
right now
the sudden urgency driving me
with the thought that i don't want to loose
any minute to thoughts of hopelessness
but to embrace every living moment on this earth
that i can breathe
and to not doubt what love there is
and to not doubt what God will do.

Lord have mercy.

my humanity is bound up in yours
for we can only be human together.

-desmond tutu

the snow outside makes everything go a little more quiet.
slows me down.
cutting out christmas pictures and waiting for the other cards to come in the mail
i sit and watch and think about the next 8 days.

...part of my home
is not here this christmas.

i put up the christmas tree sooner...
maybe no real candles...
friends far away...
my cookies taste good but not like ma's...
no christmas market...
still trying to get german christmas music...
the air is different.

it's not sad right now
just less complete
so that i feel the need to huddle closer
to feel the warmth
of friends that are family to me.

to rethink what christmas means
-helps so much to have less money!

reading...

...*terrify NO MORE* by Gary Haugen (IJM)

impressive as i plow my way through so much courage, willpower, faith, hope, determination, love, true heroism...
sounds like it's coming from another world,
but unfortunately isn't.

twenty seven million slaves are held on this globe of ours:
my mind can't comprehend the overwhelming number.
but the individual "is the point".


i drive by the brightly lit star over castle rock on my way back from denver.
a towering star above the darkness.
GOD stands above all - and in all darkness he brings light.

and

he

could

use

you.


he might pick you because you are available:

to paint your story...
all for his glory.

my christmas is

* being able to read and feel two chapters in donald millers book about "the reason god hasn't fixed you yet" and "the beauty of a tragedy"

* arthur at work talking about how he is scared to ask his dying grandfather if he knows Jesus - and we talk about death while living - and i want to create big memories and don't know where to start

* reading: http://5millionkids.blogspot.com/2010/11/weazys-mite.html

* coming home and aaron cooked dinner

* luca wanting to do homework and draw lots of big snow flakes around her triangular mouse-house - counting the days until christmas

* call from my mom even though i struggle to be present torn between work, tv and solitude
and listening

* a hug goodbye with a "plan on it"

* knowing the hurts, joys and questions of some of the people close to me

* thinking of encouragment and humility

* letting it sink in: one day when i settle down at home to sit down with god and remember my story with him (as donald miller puts it)...then "my soul won't be thirsty anymore"

* and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xb7wfLAgTqc

* and luca says: jesus is coming

thank you. god.

it's late - quiet.
i like the quiet - although not the late.
and instead of saying "one of these days i'll find time to sleep enough",
i'd like to plan to sleep plenty soon! :)
the day was full of little moments that make me smile.
i like the people i work with even though they're just as annoying
as i am sometimes.
i like that there's a real rawness and am grateful for talks
about
failures
human selfishness
and how to not drive around the block twice to see that woman walking down the road again -since you're married.
and if guy meets one of those beautiful women: to thank god for the beauty he created.

i haven't made a trip to the grocery store after dark in a while -
since the 17-yr-old knows what to shop for now and there is time during the day.
so i went today and had to think of "convenience stores" by buddy wakefield.
forget the three or four cusswords, just listen to the deep longing to know who you meet and to be present:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZkofA_TWVw

god. i imagine our god to think about us so much more in loving detail and inexplicable depth - fully.
and i'm glad that us humans: we feel.

i laughed a lot at the grocery store while i was on the phone talking to one of my favorite people in the world.
so the flour bag exploding down my side really didn't bother me.

interruptions are god's moments

he came in two days ago with a heavy looking backpack - into the warm out of the cold. stuck his face through the door, walked in grinning, saying:

"what? i don't get a hug after all that time? gimme a hug!"

and just came right up like a prodigal son without any regrets...i got up, ripping my brain out of the pile of papers i was trying to conquer, another interruption - and embraced him, he smelled of fresh air. but in my head echoed the cussword he had uttered when talking to my colleague on the phone earlier. and my heart was not there to give him the hug.
i was measuring the seen and spoken and holding it against him inside.
i was not focusing on the unseen.

...until today - another two days later.

today i know he deserved my heart to be there, the welcome despite his spoken profanity. and i feel ashamed of the failure to live out what god's grace really means:
welcome.

no matter the spoken fu's (and others), the laziness to find a job (or is it not?), the frequent desperate phone calls that seem to be directionless and annoying, the repetitiveness of personal issues, all the pretence...at first.

i am saddened about having to be reminded by god about this kids' merciless past, so my willingness to act out in grace kicks in -

and at the same time am thankful for his vast heart - and how we can start new each day, hour, minute.
and how it happens that my heart joins what i believe and my eyes catch a glimpse of what god sees.

i'm copying this off the dhp quarterly rap while watching "300" on tv in spanish - a strange combo...BUT this thing needs to be posted, because it's worth being lived after (of course i think the living isn't doable without the man jesus).

so this hung on mother theresa's childhood home wall:

people are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. love them anyway.
if you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. do good anyway.
if you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. succeed anyway.be honest and frank anyway.
what you spend your years building may be destroyed overnight. build anyway.
people really need help but may attack you if you help them. help people anyway.
give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. give the world the best you're got anyway.
the good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. do good anyway.
the people you love may hurt you.
love them anyway.
honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.

predator 911

i feel a little violated, believe it or not, maybe it's my cultural background?
probably a big part of it...:

but when i came home yesterday the police department had left an automated message that a sexual predator had moved into the neighborhood and that you could look up online at this and this address who he is, where he lives, and what he's done.

and i feel violated. because i don't want to know. and now i have to. everyone knows you can look up "so's" online. if i would've wanted to i would've, thank you.

i take care of my kids whether there's an "so" living somewhere around me or not. there are plenty of strange people all around that i could fear if i so choose to, many of them i'm sure as violent - or not (because i don't know what he did).

me being a mother and common sense reminds me that i take care of my kids and others and try to be aware of what is going on wherever i am!

so you might say that the message is for those who don't have common sense???
yeah..., let's operate with fear, that helps to make people not communicate, not want to live together, and be distant...?!?
where is the trust in the fact that most people know the base minimum of setting boundaries???

but still, i understand that i could just be culturally off.

this one thought comes to mind though...: if i believe in who jesus was and listen to his story with the adulteress and the whores and the murderers - all those unfit people. does that change anything about the fear, the problem?

...the adulteress: how do we stone people today?

i don't know that we're as barbaric: we use knowledge and technology. we declare people as uncurable.

is there a jesus answer to this?
aren't we supposed to pray for our enemies and trust that god takes care of things also?
do i need to pray for the "so" whose life is a wreck, who is most likely a captive of what he sold himself to, whatever it is...?
i admit, the interceding for him: a stretch.

or should i find out as much as i can, so i can fear walking down union and kiowa - and any other street for that matter, because he's not "the only one"?

i'm going to pray for him and try to pray for him not only just now that the knowledge of knowing he's around makes me uncomfortable.


by god's grace we are saved.
and only by that.
and every one of us.

yeah...

...ever have a day where it feels good to do mindless things like cutting vegetables, just driving listening to music and thinking of the people in your life (not exactly mindless) - or not thinking because it might be the opposite of a good memory...

a day when you could go either way - get pissed off or feel quietly sad and holy.
does that make sense?

i feel lonely but then i'm not sure i would want more than one person, of four, no: five specific ones that i cherish most at the moment, sitting in the car next to me. it would be too much work not to be able to just be. and if i couldn't i would rather just be lonely.

then...maybe think about fall, and human's fall from god - and
how we need so much forgiveness (every day if we're honest with ourselves), how unfair grace is, how unfair forgiveness should be and how weak i feel today.

don't approach me unfriendly or i'll get weird...
don't ask me how i am and mean it because you might get an answer you didn't want - or something you didn't want to think about today.

i like the sun and how it shines today - it's beautiful.
i miss parts of my family.
i'm grateful for how god proves our hopelessness wrong at twocor.
and i'd just like to drive with music or sit with a book.

you could come with me, but you might not want to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqOqo50LSZ0

getting ready to switch worlds again.
it might be easier to leave this time:
the silence is so deafening
i feel less at home.

miller, donald

this guy writes some light books with surprising and awesome depth
if you want to acknowledge it...

here's something that has really grown on me in the last week:

*I've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgement. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants.